Part 8 of 12: How to Spot the Moment You Are Becoming The Problem

Ever notice how it's always somebody else's fault? Our brains are masterfully designed for self-preservation, not truth-seeking. When relationships crumble, careers stall, or friendships fade, we're quick to point fingers everywhere but at ourselves. Yet the most powerful realization might be the most uncomfortable: if you keep experiencing the same problems with different people, you're the common denominator.

This episode dives deep into the five telltale signs you've become the problem. From having the same arguments in every relationship to dismissing criticism as others being "too sensitive," these patterns reveal when your ego has hijacked your self-awareness. We explore how defensiveness blocks growth, why constant excuses keep you stuck, and how blaming external circumstances for your stagnation prevents meaningful change. The hard truth? If nothing in your life improves while you remain the constant variable, that's not coincidence—it's a pattern you're maintaining.

But recognition is just the beginning. The real transformation comes through practical strategies like the Reverse Blame Exercise, which helps you identify your contribution to problems instead of automatically looking outward. The "Would I Accept This From Someone Else?" test reveals your double standards, while the 5-Year Rule forces you to confront whether your current patterns will lead to growth or more of the same. These tools don't just increase self-awareness—they return your power by showing you exactly where change is possible.

Ready to stop running from your own reflection? The question isn't whether you've been the problem—we all have at some point. The question is whether you're ready to break the patterns holding you back. Because real strength isn't about being right all the time; it's about recognizing when you're wrong and doing something about it.

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Chapters

• 0:10 Introduction: Blind Spots That Keep You Stuck
• 1:06 Why No One Thinks They're The Problem
• 2:42 Five Signs You're Becoming The Problem
• 7:03 How To Catch Yourself Early
• 9:08 Own Your Role, Own Your Growth

Transcript

Daniel Boyd: 0:10

How to spot the moment you're becoming the problem. No one thinks they're the issue until they are Introduction, the blind spots that keep you stuck. Here's a truth most people will never admit. We've all been the problem at some point In an argument. We've held on to being right longer than we should have In a relationship. We've blamed the other person without checking our own patterns In our careers. We've sabotaged the opportunities and called it bad luck. And yet when we hear about toxic people or bad relationships, we always assume we're on the right side of the equation. Nobody ever thinks they're the problem. And that's exactly how people become the problem by believing they're too self-aware to ever be wrong. Hey, this isn't about guilt-tripping. We've all been here. But real power comes from recognizing our patterns, not running from them. So in this episode we're getting brutally honest about how to know when you're the one derailing conversations, relationships or opportunities, the subtle ways your ego tricks you into avoiding accountability, the biggest red flags that you might be self-sabotaging without realizing it and, most importantly, how to catch yourself before you wreck yourself, because real self-awareness isn't just noticing when other people are wrong, it's noticing when you are.

Daniel Boyd: 1:45

1. Why? No one thinks they're the problem. The human brain is built for self-preservation, not truth. That means when something goes wrong, our default setting is to blame everything and anyone else, before we consider that it might be us. Your relationship falls apart. Must be them. Your career stalls. Must be your boss. Your friendships fade. Must be fake people. And sure, sometimes other people really are the problem. But if you always find yourself in the same situations losing friendships, cycling through relationships, feeling stuck at work, situations losing friendships, cycling through relationships, feeling stuck at work then at some point the common denominator is you. The ego's biggest trick is making us believe that we're always the hero, the victim or the misunderstood genius, never the cause of our own problems. So let's break down the signs that your ego might be running the show. 2. The 5 signs that you're becoming the problem.

Daniel Boyd: 2:49

1. You keep having the same argument in different relationships. If every relationship, romantic or otherwise, ends in the same fights, it's not just bad luck, it's a pattern. Ask yourself do I keep attracting the same kind of partner, friend or boss? Do my relationships end attracting the same kind of partner, friend or boss? Do my relationships end for the same reasons? Am I saying? Why does this always happen to me? Instead of? What am I doing to make this happen? If different people in different situations keep reacting to you in the same way, it's time to consider that it's not them, it's you.

Daniel Boyd: 3:26

2. You catch yourself thinking everyone else is just too sensitive. If you repeatedly feel like people can't handle the truth or that everyone is just too soft these days, you might not be the brutally honest truth-teller that you think you are. You might just be an asshole with bad delivery. If your feedback constantly makes people defensive, it's not because they're all weak. It's because you suck at communicating. If people keep telling you that they feel unheard, misunderstood or disrespected, they aren't all wrong. Real strength isn't about saying whatever you want. It's about knowing when and how to say things in a way people can actually receive, knowing when and how to say things in a way people can actually receive.

Daniel Boyd: 4:11

As a side note, ai, if used responsibly as a surgical tool, can be a solid ally in helping you refine the skill, but you have to use it responsibly. Ai is a mirror. It reflects what you bring to it. If you don't explicitly tell it to prioritize clarity, balance and emotional intelligence, challenge your beliefs and enhance your own self-awareness, it will simply reinforce whatever biases, assumptions or emotional state you feed into it. We are starting to see this happen online, especially with people who are just not very self-aware. It can sharpen your words or distort them. It can help you communicate effectively or justify your own blind spots. The difference how you choose to wield it. Just like AI, our brains reflect back what we feed them. If you don't challenge your assumptions, you'll keep reinforcing them.

Daniel Boyd: 5:03

3. You always have an excuse and it's always not your fault. Your ego will always give you a reason why nothing is really ever your fault. If you lost a job, it was because your boss was unfair. If a partner left, it was because they were insecure or toxic or crazy. If a friend distanced themselves, it was because they couldn't handle your realness. Sure, sometimes those things are true, but if there's always a reason, you're never to blame, it's time to ask is my life actually full of bad luck or am I just refusing to take accountability? Four you're getting defensive instead of curious. Here's an uncomfortable but powerful truth. The moment you feel defensive is the exact moment you should be listening the hardest. If someone calls you out, do you listen or do you immediately explain why they're wrong? If someone criticizes you, do you consider it or do you fire back with your own list of their flaws? If multiple people have pointed out the same issue about you, have you ever stopped to consider that they might be right? Defensiveness is the knee-jerk reaction of an ego that doesn't want to be questioned. But real strength comes from being willing to sit with discomfort and ask what if they have a point 5.

Daniel Boyd: 6:26

Your life feels stagnant, but you think it's everyone else's fault. If you feel stuck in life same problems, same struggles, same excuses, but nothing is changing it's time to ask am I actually doing anything different? Am I taking risks or just complaining? Am I waiting for things to change instead of actively changing them? If life keeps handing you the same lesson and you keep failing the test, at some point you have to realize you are the one holding yourself back. Three how to catch yourself before you wreck yourself. So how do you actually get out of your own way? Here are three simple but brutal ways to start practicing real self-awareness. One the reverse blame exercise. Next time something goes wrong, start practicing real self-awareness.

Daniel Boyd: 7:17

1. The Reverse Blame Exercise. Next time something goes wrong, instead of asking who or what is to blame, ask what did I do or not do, or what am I going through right now that contributed to this? Even if others are genuinely at fault, look at your role too. Not to blame yourself unfairly been there, done that but to recognize where you had influence and where you can grow. Could you have set a boundary earlier? Did you ignore red flags, hoping things would improve? Did fear, pride or emotional investment stop you from taking action? Self-reflection doesn't absolve others of responsibility. It just ensures that you are not giving away your own power. If you always look for your part, you'll always find ways to grow.

Daniel Boyd: 8:08

2. The Would I Accept this From Someone Else Test. If you catch yourself making an excuse for your behavior, flip it. If a friend did this to you, would you accept the same excuse? If an ex treated you this way, would you let it slide? If a co-worker blamed the boss instead of owning their mistakes, would you respect them? If you wouldn't tolerate it from someone else, don't tolerate it from yourself.

Daniel Boyd: 8:44

3. The 5-Year Rule Check-In. Ask yourself, if I keep thinking and acting the way I do now, what will my life look like in five years? Will you still be having the same arguments? Will you still be blaming the same people? Will you still be waiting for a breakthrough that never comes? If your answer is terrifyingly similar to where you are now, it's time to change. Final takeaway Own your role, own your growth. At the end of the day, the biggest red flag that you might be, the problem is simple. If nothing in your life ever improves and the only thing that stays the same is simple. If nothing in your life ever improves and the only thing that stays the same is you. That's not coincidence, that's a pattern. The good news Patterns can be broken. The bad news Only you can do it. Only you can prevent forest fires. The question is are you ready to stop running from your own reflection, or are you going to keep being the problem? Thank you.