The Cartography of Commitment - Charting the Terrain of Lasting Relationships

Ever wondered how some couples seem to effortlessly navigate the ebbs and flows of a relationship while others flounder at the first sign of trouble? This episode unpacks the secrets of enduring partnerships, merging the wit of George Bernard Shaw with the time-tested wisdom of ancient precepts. We traverse the landscape of love, from the importance of fostering a secure attachment style to mastering the subtle art of communication. Revelations await as we dissect the principles that underpin a lasting connection, whether you're navigating the waters of monogamy or the seas of ethical non-monogamy. Alongside these principles, a list of recommended reading is provided to deepen understanding and support continuous relationship growth. Tune in and discover the elements that, if embraced, could pave the way to more fulfilling and enduring relationships.

Find Your Attachment Style here:  https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/

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Further reading for each "commandment":

Secure Attachment Style: 
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/8x6WEt8

Open Communication: 
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/hv49d3c

Maintain Physical and Emotional Intimacy: 
The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/fDE1YGZ

Respect Partner's Individuality: 
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/hYKdmNB

Embrace Vulnerability and Balance: 
The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage by Brené Brown - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/4rGPC38

Commit to Mutual Respect and Consent: 
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love, 3rd Edition by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/h7Cje4a

Endure Hardship Together: 
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/3rkSC7G

Admit Faults and Pursue Growth: 
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/4VduXg9

Support Partner's Growth and Goals: 
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr. - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/4dthcYH

Respect Partner's Individuality: 
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/hYKdmNB

Foster Shared Values and Goals: 
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman - Link for purchase here: https://a.co/d/ivInIDm

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:11

Hey, folks want a lifelong partner or partners. In my reflections and research, I've come to further recognize the incredible value of clear communication, secure attachment styles and empathy traits which are essential for any successful relationship. As George Bernard Shaw says, the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. While there's no manual, there is a formula. Here's what both or all, if non-monogamous of you absolutely need to have a solid chance at lifelong partnership. Note that these ten things are written in the style of biblical commandments, just for fun. I was raised very religious and even though I'm not religious these days, although I do have a respect for religion, I figure hey, why not, let's have a little fun with this 1.

Speaker 2: 1:07

Thou shalt cultivate a secure attachment style. Understand thy relationship dynamics and strive for a secure style of attachment. 2. Thou shalt communicate openly and honestly, share thy heart's truth with clear intent and active listening. 3. Thou shalt maintain physical and emotional intimacy, kindle the fires of passion and affection while laying a foundation of trust and honesty. 4. Thou shalt respect thy partner's individuality, cherish the uniqueness of thy partner and infringe not upon their personal identity. 5. Thou shalt embrace vulnerability and balance, open thy heart in the presence of thy partner and strive for equilibrium between autonomy and unity.

Speaker 2: 2:12

6. Thou shalt commit to mutual respect and consent, honor the boundaries and agreements made within thy relationship, whether monogamous or ethically non-monogamous. 7. Thou shalt endure hardship together. Stand firm with thy partner in the face of life's storms, for together you shall weather all adversity. 8. Thou shalt admit thy faults and pursue personal growth, acknowledge thy imperfections and actively seek enlightenment and improvement. 9. Thou shalt support thy partner's individual growth and goals, uplift thy partner in their endeavors and rejoice in their accomplishments. 10. Thou shalt foster shared values and goals, seek common ground in beliefs and aspirations and together journey towards them.

Speaker 1: 3:22

Remember, if you want a shot at a lifetime partnership, these 10 things, based on extensive research and experience, are must-haves for both of you and your partner or partners. Next, let's discuss how we can ascertain and explore each of these factors. First, find out your attachment style at IDR Labs Assessment. This is a scientifically validated test, for free If you do have an insecure attachment style. The descriptions of each attachment style can help you figure out what you need to work on to foster a secure attachment style. The best way to find the assessment is to simply Google IDR Labs Attachment Style Test. Next, we have further reading for each quote commandment end quote 1. Secure attachment style. A book to read is Attached the New Science of Adult Attachment and how it Can Help you Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast.

Speaker 1: 4:22

Open Communication. A book to read is Nonviolent Communication a Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast. Maintain Physical and Emotional Intimacy. A book to read is the Sex-Starved Marriage. Boosting your Marriage Libido a Couple's Guide by Michelle Weiner-Davis. Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast.

Speaker 1: 4:49

Respect Partners Individuality. A book to read is Passionate Marriage Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnark. Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast. Embrace Vulnerability and Balance. A book to read is the Power of Vulnerability Teachings of Authenticity, connection and Courage by Bernay Brown. Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast. Commit to Mutual Respect and Consent. A book to read is the Ethical Slut A Practical Guide to Polyamory, open Relationships and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love, third Edition by Jeanette W Harding and Dalsy Easton. Note that there is a wealth of information in this book that is applicable for monogamous relationships as well. Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast. And you're a hardship together? A book to read is the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Non-Silver. Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast. Admit Faults and Pursue Growth. A book to read is Daring Greatly how the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, love, parent and Lead. By Bernay Brown. Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast. Support Partners' Growth and Goals. A book to read is His Needs, her Needs Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F Harley Jr. Want to know it? Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast. Respect Partners' Individuality. A book to read is Passionate Marriage Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, by David Schnark. Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast. Foster Shared Values and Goals. A book to read is the Five Love Languages how to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate, by Gary Chapman. Link for purchase is in the description of this podcast.

Speaker 1: 6:49

Thank you for lending me your time and attention today. It is with an earnest conviction that I hope this succinct episode has offered you a deeper insight into the working mechanisms of your relationships, whether they have found success or experienced discord. Love in its most genuine and profound sense extends far beyond the realms of romantic infatuation, and this pure and complex form of love is an entitlement we all deserve to experience. During my tenure in the military, a revelation dawned upon me the illusionary value of money pales in comparison to the inestimable worth of human connections. Having a devoted, unwavering partner or partners by your side transforms life's trials into worthy challenges, enriching the journey that life presents. Because, when all is said and done, at the end of our life's journey, it is the essence of wholesome relationships and authentic love that makes life truly worth living.